The wonderful beauty and sickness of this freeze on my mind when i know someone is lying to me is so sick its almost blissful i feel energetic and charged with anger and hate especially if it isnt some little white lie like “O yea i killed a mobster last night” but a legitimate lie like if i call someone and i get im busy call me later even when this person knows i will know when they lie to me every I MEAN EVERY TIME they do it but you cant kill a killer and you cant lie to a liar i know this shit its just a weird feeling I get almost a tingling sensation that starts in my stomach and crawls up to my chest and into my head then the rest of my body i know what this sensation is its PURE RAGE AND ANGER AND HATE FOR THE FACT THAT SOMEONE I KNOW THEY KNOW I KNOW WHEN THEY ARE LYING TO ME but they think they can outsmart me i may be stupid in some areas but when it comes to people like that i know my shit i mean what is the point in lying bcuz if i ask something i usually already know the answer or i know when people lie to me bcuz i used to do it a lot and i can pick out the little details and flaws in their stories real from fake solid from liquid shit just put into words so hopefully im wrong but if im not its a victory to me and i will have one less worthless piece of shit in my life

My Zen, Peace, Relaxation, Hard point whatever you want to call it i have my entire life enjoyed NOT fighting but Martial Arts because its not all about hurting people. I have realized that every time i train I have this huge smile on my face that wont go away no matter how serious i try to look i am smiling like an idiot its so relaxing to just start to flex and relax in so many ways people think that the human body cant i mean its ALL about relaxing and having a good time and these people have my greatest thanks becuase they are my trainers friends family and bros and they taught me the true meaning to MMA and other martial arts……

 special thanks to Chris Gearhardt, Cory Boxberger, Ryan McClure, and Manny Thompson.  All trainers at the Wichita Kansas Title Boxing Club

Whelp the fifth night in a row getting drunk its a temporary escape im not drunk yet but i am drinking i just dont even know anymore i mean goin the way im goin i think to myself where am i gonna end up when im older well i guess i will cross that bridge when im older if i make it that far……….

I depend on alcohol to help me with my problems and its just not good for me im depressed and need help from someone anyone fuck im even drunk as i am typing this so sorry if im incoherent at the momemt but i really need some Help i mean im so bad my hamds are falling off the keyborad as i type and i have had to correct so many typos its not even funny anymore i just dont knor what to do anumore i need some help seriously i dont wanna go to a shrnk either i just need a friend that si there for me i honestly dont knwo aynymoer help me

Courage is not the absence of fear it is just all the fear tied up that doesn’t know what to do so it says just do it and hope for the best just like darkness isn’t the absence of light it is just way to much light to our eyes to handle so all we see is darkened colors and an “absence” of light which isn’t really there it just overloaded the light seeing parts of our eyes………Courage and fear are exactly the same way in my mind.  When i’m either out on the football field with a 200+ guy in front of me ready to hit me or just as i go into the cage for another fight it’s the greatest feeling in the world.  It took a certain person a lot of courage to kiss me the other day and believe it or not i was scared when it happened.  So if IF you decide to read this congratulations and I hope you can all find the courage in you (well technically FEAR)  Stick to me I will post more 

Resta forte e mantenere il vostro spirito su di voi i miei amici

I went to my commanding officer (yes i have one even at my rank) today and asked what happens to me when i become useless to you guys and he says what do you mean i reply like when i get too old to do this or become too injured or something happens where i cant fill my duties to you guys he says back we cut you out of our files pay you and say have a nice life i just walked away with my head hanging low and pride nowhere to be found i thought all i am is a tool and even said that and he says yes that is the brutal truth about it all here even I am a tool in this technically we are all pawns in a large chess game the reason i am posting this is because i dont think i can take much more of this i was shot just two nights ago and i have to come up with some excuse why i cant do really anything i am going to survive but this wound is still very painful and terrible and the mental stress is getting worse now im so far in I cant even get attached to people and not in a friendly way i cant repeat CANT fall in love with anyone i have met so many good people in this time and fallen for all of them only to hit rock bottom each time because my duties interrupt everything when i stopped by Flyybitch’s house last week that was the one time and probably only time i can have fun i got lucky and got to go to storm lake to see some friends and have a couple drinks to relax but like i said those times will probably never come again.

I am Chris McLaughlin for all who want to kno my real name and my new “Employers” (emphasis on the quote man) have me constantly watched and it sucks i have been trained to pick them out in the common crowd but sadly i still cant lose them they are even tracking this very post to tumblr my facebook is technically hacked my tagged is under constant watch and my phone is tapped to record my conversations and when im not on the phone they still can hear me by some unknown way i have no and I MEAN NO PRIVACY the people i am around are put on a list to be checked for incriminating stuff I have to follow a million (literally) rules and regulations which in this post i am not breaking any which is why I am wording this very carefully I cant mention anything to do with my “employers”.  I however can give a job description to those who wonder what my “occupation” is I go around finding bad people doing bad things and haul them off to places like Guantanamo Bay and so forth I am constantly armed whether it be a 40. caliber glock all environment pistol or a basic combat knife (personally prefer the switchblade series WAY easier to hide and more comfortable to carry).  I have no dress code of suits like the Men in Black bullshit i dress to blend in with the crowds and look normal i am trained in several ways of martial arts self defence i know how to use any part of my environment to my advantage basically I am the perfect killing machine it took me 4 long years to prove myself, learn, train, and go to the top I am what you would call the best of the best im not saying im unkillable or indestructible all im saying is its very hard to beat me i know how to protect myself in any situation possible.  I mean the worst part is the fuckin skin tight kevlar body suit i have to wear all day to protect against stabbing bullets and so forth because all the people on here reading this arent the only ones who know who and what I am it is a hard life harder than most because i am constantly looking over my shoulder back at how simple it used to be i mean i feel like someone is constantly trying to kill me and i cant die after 4 years of hardship sweat blood and many many tears yes there are several times where even a trained mind like mine breaks down to nothing but emotion and it all comes out i cant talk directly about any of this stuff to anyone about it with the fear that i can and will be killed if i do open my mouth and all i can do is bottle it up i mean i probably have a laser sight stuck on the back of my head right now at this moment like a big zit that can kill me but enough about me more about what i have done to other people and their families i have torn them apart and even in some cases saved them from the bad “eggs” of the house but it still doesnt stop the grief of the either i mean i had to forcibly tear a 4 and a half year old little girl out of the arms of her father so i could haul him off to be judged my my “employers” nobody can know what thats like its the worst feeling in the world i have even killed men at the age 16 for fucks sake all i hav had to do is pull a trigger its hell when I go to bed at night I see their terrified faces in my dreams as if almost saying u sick bastard you actually shot me i wish i could get out but i cant its a life time deal i made i swore and signed contract after contract if I die in the field they take my body cremate me and have a funeral and find someone to take my spot i mean the pay is better than any but is it really worth it all if i have to live like this for the rest of my life so be it i cant go back now so hopefully my life is good

Farewell To All of You Great People Who Have listened to My Life so Far

Chris McLaughlin

Serial Number/Dog Tag Number

11733490241

The solution is hate because i am sick and tired of feeling sorry and doing stuff for people only to have them throw it back in my face like it was nothing at all i give 110% and get nothing back so im not gonna help anyone with the exception of a few people as for some people a few in perticular I HATE YOUR USELESS ASSES YOU CAN BURN IN HELL FOR ALL I CARE im not even thinkin about suicide anymore because life is too sweet to back out now i think i can handle a year and a half until i graduate then im out of this hell hole but like i said BURN IN HELL and if any of you want to send someone after me for this I say power to you i will destroy them because nothin and i mean nothin is gonna stop me from what im going to become PEACE OUT MUTHAFUCKAS